Being a musician is a lot of work. And it’s not just about making music. OK - we all spend money on lessons, on instruments, on gear, on professional-level “tools of the trade,” etc...we practice endless hours, often foregoing social activities in lieu of perfecting our craft. This is obvious. The other part of being a WORKING musician...meaning being a musician that makes a living by making music with no real day job (not an easy endeavor)...is multi-tasking, meaning that one has to wear many hats all at the same time. Publicity. Web design. Graphic design. Video editing. Schmoozing. And - if you’re a WOMAN, you have to worry a bit more about your appearance. I’m just going to SAY IT; I’m as ardent of a feminist as you can imagine, but I’m also practical. I do realize that if I let myself go completely “Amazonian” - as in forego personal grooming and appear on stage in a pair of fishnet stockings with epic leg hair poking out through the holes - that I may not be taken seriously by my audience. Look, people, I play in several metal bands, and that’s a culture that historically has women as the minority in the audience. It’s changing now, to be certain (finally!!!), but still you’ll find no lines in the ladies’ rooms at most shows while the men’s room line is around the corner. I have also dealt with sound guys and audience members who wouldn’t believe that I was in the band, as “chicks can’t play metal.” Yes, and this has happened in the 21st century!
But I digress...this post is supposed to be part of the series in my “livin’ the dream” essays. At the moment, I’m playing with an amazing pagan metal band, Helsott. We’re about to go on our first North American tour, a big festival called Paganfest, along with Ensiferum, Tyr, Heidevolk and Trollfest. (Google these names if you’re not a metal fan - trust me, this is a pretty big deal.) I’m kind of the “session musician” of the band. I do their “orchestral” arrangements, play the keyboards, sing the operatic female vocals - I’m the screaming Valkyrie in the background, and I produced their backing tracks. It’s great fun. On occasion, I fly out for the bigger shows, which are always a blast. I’ve rehearsed with the guys a grand total of TWO times ever, so when I play shows, it’s usually “cold”...meaning I jump on stage and go, without the benefit of much rehearsal time. This is not for the faint of heart. I think I make it look easy, as I sing well, play well and can “windmill” my hair with the best of them while staying in time. Yet the whole time, I’m about to crap my leather pants due to nerves....so there I stand, looking fearless on stage, squeezing that sphincter with all of my might...
Glamorous, right?
Last summer, we shot our first official music video. I flew out to California from Massachusetts the night before the shoot; our flights were all delayed (I was traveling with the hubby, as we was going to a week-long institute in Los Angeles), and I ended up having to gate-check my baggage, which can be a fate worse than death for a touring or traveling musician (never, ever part ways with your clean underwear...no good!!!). We didn’t arrive into LAX until 12:30 in the morning, and our bags didn’t come out...didn’t come out...didn’t come out. I was having a coronary, knowing I had a shoot in the morning, and no clean panties, let alone my age-defying makeup, which in the case of a hi-def video shoot is a bit more important to my vanity than the undies. The airline employees apparently “forgot” a few bags out on the tarmac including mine. We eventually got the bags...and then had the distinct pleasure of dealing with Alamo Rent-A-Car at 2 am, heading to our rental and upon discovering that the car was missing from its stall, had to wait again in the line. As thrilling as this was, the best part was arriving starving to the motel at 3 am and checking in (airlines don’t feed you anymore, and there’s not even food for purchase on Southwest). Oh, and did I mention I was staying in Inglewood? Nothing was open except for a few taco stands that served double-duty as gang hangouts. Charming. I went to bed hungry.
I was in bed at 4 am, and the guys from Helsott picked me up the next morning about six hours later to head to the shoot. Originally, we were going to shoot this in front of a green screen in a studio, but the directors decided it might be more interesting to do this outside “on location” near Mt. Baldy. It was just a “short walk” from the parking lot. I was thinking, no problem, I’ll do my hair and makeup before and then just change into my requisite skintight leather pants once we got to the location. I brought my tiny carry-on suitcase with me, including a little kid’s Hello Kitty blankie that I travel with often in case I need to nap somewhere (it’s soft and compact, so it works great to keep with me when I’m on the road...oh and let’s face it, I’m not that tough and I think it’s cute). We rolled into the parking lot around noon, and it was - I kid you not - 107 DEGREES. Riverside County in August is HOT. The directors pointed us in the direction of the “short walk” we’d need to take to the shoot. Instead of a stroll down a trail, we were faced with the prospect of heading down hilly single-track horse trail in 107 DEGREE HEAT for about a mile or so, CARRYING ALL OF OUR GEAR.
Yup. Remember that word “glamorous?”
This was awesome. Everyone was panting, sweating, dying in the heat...luckily, Mark (one of our guitarists) had a flat of bottled water in the back of his work truck that we somehow thought to bring with us. (Lugging kick drums down a mile of horse trail in August? Oh yeah. You’ll get thirsty doing that.) I was seriously regretting wearing my usual uniform of a black t-shirt, jeans and Vans by this point, let alone neglecting to bring any toilet paper with me as I was forced to “drip dry” anytime I had to pee behind a rock. By the time we got to the location for the shoot, we were all pretty much thrashed. After resting for a half-hour or so, I decided that I was “dry” enough (meaning that my sweat had crusted to salt, matting most of my hair) to change into my clothes for the shoot.
Let me paint you a picture at this point. It’s dry and dusty. We’re in a canyon in 107 degree heat, under the coverage of some trees but still the heat of the day is oppressive. I’ve got black eyeliner and mascara running down my face - a bad case of “raccoon eyes” and salt rings under my armpits. And I’m out there as the only woman with EIGHT metal guys (the type with long hair, long beards...the absolute nicest, most wonderful, kindest group of dudes you’d ever want to meet, but they don’t exactly look that way to people who aren’t familiar with metal culture) in the middle of nowhere. Just another day’s work!
I decided to preserve some shred of modesty by pulling the ol’ “surfer trick” while changing my clothes by wrapping my Hello Kitty blankie around my waist, and stripping underneath. Again, this is a kiddie blanket, so it’s a bit smaller than an average beach towel. I get my sweaty, nasty jeans off, and I’m standing there with no pants on, perched barefoot on a rock, balancing on one leg, probably flashing my parts to all of nature as I try to hold up the blanket and simultaneously (unsuccessfully) attempt to squeeze into aforementioned sexy leather pants. Skintight leather pants are exceedingly difficult to squeeze into in normal, daily life; I was on the road for about three weeks prior to this shoot, eating inordinate amounts of chicken fried steak in diners in backwoods Iowa, so this complicated matters, along with the stickiness of my sweaty legs.
As I’m in mid-perch, attempting to be somewhat discreet, suddenly a woman on horseback appears on the trail...FOLLOWED BY ABOUT THIRTY SCHOOL KIDS also on horseback. The look on her face was absolutely priceless, as she stopped and asked our singer, “What are you guys doing out here?”
And Eric answers: “Shooting a video.” He didn’t clarify the fact that this was a music video, just a video. As I’m standing there with no pants on among eight guys. Hmmmm.
The video was just released this past week. It looks pretty good for a first video. And one would never know that we were all on the verge of heat stroke. I particularly like the comments on youtube...especially ones that say things like “the keyboard player is hot.” Wow, thanks...good to know I can pull this off, in leather pants, in 107 degree heat, lip-syncing in the woods...
When I went to conservatory, no one ever told me that these were all going to be necessary skills in my career. But there it is...livin’ the dream, baby!
